My Sacred Alone

‘My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude’ (quote) Photo copyright to author.

It has been a year, well bit more than a year since I had the intention of blogging my journey to Dubai; whilst it was being written in my head, I lost the actual will to write. Though it has been a challenging past year to adjust and settle, it’s a watershed period in my life, one that I am still processing.

You know, I always wanted travel and work abroad. I never thought it would really happen. This opportunity came and I took it. Who wouldn’t after 16 job interviews of coming second best in and around London? Looking back, I don’t know how I waved farewell to my family at the airport. Well, I do. Love bought me here.

However, despite the love. The biggest task I stumbled upon was dealing with the deafening sound of loneliness. I consider it an old friend, loneliness, that I battled to keep at bay back home by filling my time with things to do and people to see, so I never was alone with myself for too long. Being alone for me meant being a billy no mates, you know the one who gets picked last for teams and the one whose friends remember as an after thought. At least by being around people I thought I wouldn’t miss out on anything elusive that would make me reach self-actualisation. So what happened was I ended up with my fingers in too many pies leading to burn out, but I still kept going, I kept plates spinning.

Living as an expat I have had to embrace loneliness and being alone, in the prolonged silence that I found myself in. I realised that life will keep going in circles till I dealt with myself, to break free from the awful merry go round. This is one of those moments. My loneliness led me to discover  ‘The Sacred Alone‘. There was a profound moment where I made a shift in my consciousness by differentiating between ‘loneliness’ and ‘alone’.

Loneliness makes me chase things outside of myself. It really is a dull ache created from being disconnected with myself and with those around, which, for me, leads to sabotaging thoughts and feelings. Loneliness is an oxymoron; the more I searched for connection with others the more disconnected and lonely I became with them and worse myself. I mean have you ever felt your most loneliest at parties, in amidst lots of people? I have. This underlying slow current carries little motivation to fulfil goals or acknowledge progress or be my own best friend.

The ‘alone’ is time spent with myself. The truth is, as I see it now, as one friend told me many moons ago, I wasn’t missing out on anything out there, however I concluded this year I was missing out on being the best version of myself, right here. I have to catch myself whenever I enter the waters of ‘loneliness’ to switch back to my ‘alone’ and enjoy time in the cave.

Of course, the cave is better shared.

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